Self Help is Complicated in Tokyo3
by Tsiuq
Summary: The bridge bunnies are on a mission from God. Gods, really. And nothing is going to stop them, except for the things that can stop normal humans, except for Shigeru. He's got tentacles.
1. Chapter 1

Self Help is Complicated in Tokyo-3

_AN: I like the bridge bunnies. So, you know, time travel fic is the first thing that came to mind. I had a definite idea in my head about how it was going to go, with Makoto summoning ice cream trucks for fun and profit, among other things. For some reason, that didn't want to be written. Instead, this is what came out._

**Chapter 1: What's in it for me?**

Shigeru drifted in a sea of orange, feeling like he truly belonged. But there was a nagging feeling of incompleteness even then. For a long time the feeling grew without becoming recognizable, then –

"I don't have my guitar."

Shigeru found himself washed up on a beach, still in his uniform. He stood, brushing off the sand as he looked around. The sky was the red of fresh blood., mirroring the sea beneath it. He nearly had a heart attack when he saw the head of a giant Rei.

"What the hell, Ikari?"

"All will be explained in time."

Mr. Aoba turned to see Shinji ten feet away. Further behind the boy, his two coworkers jogged to catch up.

* * *

"So you want us to go back and keep you guys sane? If you can send us back, why don't you just change yourselves?"

Shinji coughed uncomfortably.

"We sort of tried that. It doesn't work. If we alter ourselves, the scenario doesn't affect us as gods."

Shigeru was silent for a moment, thinking, then spoke.

"Not to sound self-centered or anything, but what's in it for us? That wasn't a fun time to be alive."

Shinji smiled.

"We've talked it over, and I have been authorized to give each of you a boon. Money, powers, expertise in a discipline, you name it. Only a few exceptions: No making someone fall in love, no bringing back the dead, and no wishing for more wishes. You also might consider that you'll want to hide any super powers you would have."

Maya had known her wish long before the offer was fully explained.

"Big breasts."

Shinji wondered if something had been lost in the translation from human to godhead.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded firmly.

"One size bigger than Misato's."

Shinji sighed in exasperation.

"Consider it done."

Makoto had a gleam in his eye.

"A ten inch… you know."

Shinji facepalmed. Shigeru frowned. They had taken the obvious ones.

"The ability to sprout tentacles."

Maya blushed. Makoto felt stupid. Shinji remade reality into what was sure to be a porno.

* * *

Shigeru slipped into the reiquarium, taking a few moments to adjust to breathing liquid. The Ree gathered curiously. From his back sprang many, many, long tentacles.

"Payback time."

* * *

Ritsuko's productivity had dropped since they hired the young (and pert) Maya. Fortunately, the girl easily picked up the slack. Ritsuko watched the girl('s chest) in wonder. She programmed as if she had lived her life around the MAGI. It was distracting, having such a talented (endowed) underling. Maya turned, returning the stare.

"Is there something you wanted, senpai?"

Ritsuko found herself a little flustered.

"I just wanted to congratulate you on your impressive ra- er, work. You've done really well."

Maya smiled, placing a demure hand on the slope of her chest.

"I assure you it's all natural. Talent, I mean."

Ritsuko nodded stiffly, feeling a small pressure build up behind her nose.

"You'll go far with that talent."

Maya smiled mischievously.

"How about lunch? I think we earned a break."

Ritsuko smiled.

"I could eat."

* * *

Gendo gazed at Shigeru, bringing all his powers of intimidation to bear. The young man was holding rather well.

"You were in a restricted area, conducting highly inappropriate activities. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Shigeru grinned.

"Checkmate."

The Ree popped into existence around him, glaring at the commander, Shigeru's tentacles curled possessively around the clones. Gendo growled,

"What do you want?"

"What do I want? I already have it, isn't that right, girls?"

The Ree giggled rather unsettlingly.

"Have no fear, commander. I will cooperate with reuniting you with your wife. It's the least I can do after receiving such a fine harem."

Mr. Aoba and the Ree disappeared in a thunderclap. Gendo sighed, then calmly reached into a hidden drawer and pulled out a whiskey bottle. He left the shot glass in the drawer.

* * *

_AN: So yeah. The point of divergence from ice cream truck summons was when Makoto more or less copied Maya's wish. Everything after just sorta snowballed. And no, this fic is _not_ going to be a porno, despite Shinji-sama's expectations._


	2. Various People Deal with Rei's Problems

**Self Help Ch. 2 – Various People Deal with Rei's Problems.**

_AN: This entire chapter was something of an insert to explain more cracky stuff coming up. Apparently, this story has to have serious bits too. Wish it had let me know beforehand._

* * *

Rei didn't know what to feel. Mr. Aoba ha left her hospital room as quickly as he had arrived. In the short moments he spent with her, he had turned her world upside down, inside out, and hit it with a baseball bat. She would never be allowed to die. She was excruciatingly glad she did not remember the life of the self that had performed her highest duty, yet not received the dearest reward.

Eternity stretched before her.

They would not let her rest.

This was perhaps the worst possible moment for Gendo to check on her. The second he walked in the door, she brought to bear the most wrathful, betrayed glare she could muster. It wasn't much, but on Rei it had all the greater impact. It was gratifying to see the Commander pale in fear.

"What do _you_ want?"

It was a testament to the man's self-control how quickly he recovered.

"The man that was just here has taken the clones and corrupted them. We don't know what would happen if you died right now. We are growing more, but it will be a long, expensive process. There is no guarantee that he won't corrupt those as well. This body may be your last."

Rei looked down at her bandaged form, despair filling her heart. It felt like she could not move, even if she was whole. She was so weary.

The hospital bed creaked as a weight settled on it. An arm fell across her shoulders, holding her with a rare tenderness. She closed her eyes, accepting the embrace. They remained like that for a long time. Eventually, Gendo spoke.

"If there is anything that can make this life more bearable, you have but to ask."

Rei opened her eyes, her mind frustratingly bereft of ideas.

"I can't imagine anything like that."

Gendo sighed. This wasn't unexpected.

"I've heard new clothing has such an effect."

Rei blinked.

"I suppose that is where I will start."

* * *

Ritsuko had always been a little creeped out by the pale girl, the hybrid's flat affect, her utter seriousness (the bodies floating in the tank). Part of her wondered if this was how she would have ended up had she not met Misato and Kaji in college (except for the tank part). However, right now the girl was giving her a headache.

"It would appear that you have completely recovered from your injuries, two weeks ahead of schedule."

Rei blinked. Her lips turned up ever so slightly.

"I can go shopping today."

Ritsuko raised an eyebrow.

'_I guess there is a teenage girl in there after all.'_

* * *

Shigeru was tired. The meeting with the Commander was far more stressful than he had let show. He was still getting used to the Ree, and having to depend on them to such an extent was more than a little frightening. It had taken about two hours to teach them the concept of home and get them to stay at his home. Even then, one would occasionally pop out of nowhere to check on him, or pet his hair, or nuzzle his shoulder. It would have been substantially creepier if it wasn't a cute girl. Thank goodness they took to clothes easily, or else he would never go out in public. Life was already complex enough without the questions that would inevitably follow such an appearance.

The doors to the train compartment opened. Rei entered, carrying many, many, bags. For some reason she was wearing a white, gothic lolita dress.

"You."

Aoba sighed.

"Me."

"Why did you corrupt my clones?"

He rubbed his eyes.

"You are not replaceable. Not as you will be. The sooner you get used to that, the better."

He raised an eyebrow at the bags.

"Enjoying yourself?"

Rei looked away.

"My arms are tired. Strangers tried to engage me in conversation. My legs are sore."

Shigeru smiled at what she did not say.

"Sit, then. Would you like some help carrying your purchases home?"

Rei frowned at him.

"I require no assistance."

"Allow me to at least help clean up your apartment. It's the least I can do after taking so much from you."

Rei sat down, a brief expression of relief flitting across her face.

"My apartment meets my needs. It does not need to be cleaned."

"Ah, but you have changed. You deserve a clean apartment, if not a better one."

"I have no such need."

"If nothing else, something to hold your dresses and such. You did buy more than one dress, am I right?"

Rei glanced down at her bags, then back at him.

"I do not understand the source of your perseverance."

Shigeru leaned forward.

"You are important. It is time that you are treated that way. And I will carry those bags for you."

He also cleaned her apartment. (Tentacles are handy things.)

* * *

_AN: I have something of a buffer right now, but don't expect a regular update schedule. Sorry. Another thing – normally, I wouldn't post a chapter this short, but for some reason, the fic fairly naturally splits up this way._


	3. Hello there canon  The guys do stuff

The bridge bunnies sat around a lunch table. Makoto still hadn't gotten over the rather salient change to Maya's figure. Shigeru sighed.

"The third angel comes tomorrow."

Maya hummed in agreement.

"How's Rei doing?"

"Better. She'll probably need another wardrobe soon. That girl loves her dresses."

Makoto poked at his food.

"Maybe you broke her, telling her the way you did."

"Nah, she's a tough girl."

_Flashback_

_Rei lay stoicly in her hospital bed. Shigeru walked in, sat down, then looked directly into her apathetic eyes._

"_Instrumentality happened, you pilots are gods, they sent me and my coworkers to make you guys sane."_

_Rei blinked._

_Shigeru shrugged._

"_And I have tentacle powers."_

_Rei facepalmed with her functional arm._

_Back to the present_

Maya cleared her throat.

"I don't think Aoba's approach would be best for the other pilots. Shinji needs as many good friends as possible, ones that won't have to leave in the late game."

Maya smirked at Makoto.

"Let's just hope Makoto can handle visiting Misato's apartment every so often."

"Hey! I will be just as distracted as Shinji will be. We'll be best friends."

The other two rolled their eyes, but said nothing.

They ate in silence for a bit. Makoto froze in mid-bite.

"I just realized something. The only thing we _need_ to do is keep the three pilots sane. It won't matter if we ruin everyone else's lives."

Maya was surprised.

"That's awfully cold of you. Cold, but it might just come to that."

Shigeru hummed happily to himself.

* * *

Makoto closed the door to his apartment. He had spent the last few weeks since they had returned regretting his wish. It was more trouble than it was worth, and he did not have the confidence needed to take advantage of the boon. As he knelt by his futon, an idea occurred to him.

"Oh Shinji-sama, please forgive my foolishness, I chose in haste and ill-judgment. If it is pleasing in thy sight, give unto me instead rank and position, that I may share the burden Misato bears. Amen."

* * *

Misato cursed. It was like swimming upstream, trying to get to her car against the flow of civilian traffic to the shelters. It was the first real scramble for the shelters, so there were more people getting lost, trying to find loved ones, and generally getting in the way than during the drills. She was making some progress by staying close to the building side when her phone rang. With a sigh, she answered it.

"Katsuragi here. You're already at the station? I didn't know you had a car. A new one? Oh, used. Well, take good care of it, and the kid, alright? Thanks, Hyuga."

Well, that certainly simplified her day.

* * *

Shinji got off the train to a nearly empty city. A young man leaned on his fairly clearly used car.

"Miss Katsuragi sends her apologies, but she is otherwise detained."

Shinji walked forward and bowed.

"Please take care of me."

Makoto chuckled.

"No need to be so formal. You can call me Makoto, and I'll be your ride to NERV. Ready? Let's go."

They drove in silence for a bit. Makoto snapped his fingers.

"I'm supposed to give you something…"

He fished around in the back seat, making Shinji rather nervous as the car veered across multiple lanes.

"Ah! Here you go, an official NERV manual. It has everything we don't care if someone else knows, so you might as well throw out the map. Any questions?"

"Does my father work for NERV?"

"Work for it? He runs it!"

"What does NERV do?"

Makoto looked off in the distance, a small smile on his face.

"We save the world from giant space aliens."

"No, seriously, what does NERV do?"

"We also build giant cyborgs, one of which you get to pilot."

"This isn't funny! If it's classified, just say so!"

Makoto pushed his glasses up as they approached the car train.

"I am quite serious. Your father has enemies that would use you against him. This is why he abandoned you, and this is why you have such short notice. The aliens caused second impact, and you and I? We're here to stop third impact."

Shinji wondered if he got into the wrong car. The car train started up, coasting down into the geofront.

"Why was the city so deserted?"

Makoto grinned at the boy.

"An alien is going to attack soon. But don't worry, I have the utmost faith in you."

Shinji paled.

"What do you mean, faith in me?"

"I believe in you. You have the makings of a great pilot."

"I'm going to fight a giant space alien with a giant cyborg the day I find out about the giant cyborg."

Makoto nodded happily.

"Welcome to Tokyo-3. You should relax, the controls are really intuitive. Heh, from both ends."

"Why me? Can't somebody else do it?"

"It has to be someone born after second impact. No one really likes the situation, but it's what we have to deal with."

They exited the train and entered NERV HQ. Shinji spent most of the trip trying to digest the information. Makoto tried to be as upbeat and confident as possible. The next few hours would be hell for the kid, and he would need every scrap of self-confidence. They entered a dark room. The lights suddenly came on, illuminating a giant, cybernetic head.

"It's been a while, Shinji."

Shinji grit his teeth.

"Father… I accept. For the sake of humanity, I will pilot this thing."

A smoldering cigarette fell from Dr. Akagi's lips. Gendo glared at Hyuga.

"You briefed him?"

Makoto smiled.

"Some things can only be explained man to man."

The Commander nodded.

"Very well. Dr. Akagi, bring the pilot up to speed with his craft. It seems we have some time before battle."

* * *

Shinji did well for a civilian. It was a long battle of attrition, and ultimately ended because of a lucky shot, but the boy was victorious.

* * *

Makoto stood in Gendo's office, a little more intimidated than his colleague had been. Gendo glared from behind his desk.

"What did you tell him?"

"What he had to fight, and what he had to fight with, in general terms. Also, that you can't show affection or else he could be used against you."

"…is it your goal to render the pilots uncontrollable?"

Makoto rubbed the back of his neck.

"Sorta. We're just supposed to make 'em sane."

Gendo sighed.

"I may not be able punish you directly, your colleague made sure of that. However, in the wake of the angel attack, our good captain Katsuragi will surely be swamped with paperwork. You are promoted to First Lieutenant At Arms, and among your duties is shouldering much of that burden. You are dismissed."

Makoto barely succeeded in keeping the crazy happy grin off his face until he emerged from the dark office. Among the various thoughts that ran through his over-clocked brain, a quiet one walked. _'Who did kept us from punishment? And how?'_

* * *

"- any reason why we are safe from severe punishment?"

Maya shrugged.

"I _am_ sleeping with Dr. Akagi, but that shouldn't protect you two. Unless Ritsuko dreams of a foursome."

Her coworkers wiped blood from under their noses. Makoto looked expectantly at Shigeru. The nihilist coughed.

"The Rei back up clones are… um… my harem."

Maya glared fiery death at him.

"Pedophile scum."

Shigeru held up his hands.

"It's not like that! I was going to kill the clones so Rei would have to treat herself like the rest of us mortals. But they… liked my tentacles. It was really cute in a totally non-, okay, maybe a little, sexual way. Now they follow me around."

Maya waved a hand at the nearly empty cafeteria.

"I don't see them anywhere."

Shigeru rubbed his temples.

"They're here and not here. It's like they have a little sea of Dirac that they go in and out of. Watch."

He stretched a tentacle forth into a long oval. The area enclosed by the tentacle darkened until it was as black as the void between the stars. A Rei clone stepped through, smiling fondly and a little vapidly at her summoner.

"Thank you, you may go now."

The clone pouted, then left the way she came. Maya closed her mouth with a click.

"This is going to give senpai migraines."

Makoto frowned in thought.

"I thought the clones were mindless, let alone capable of following instructions, as well as warping reality."

Shigeru shrugged.

"From what I am told, my tentacles are regenerating bits of my soul. The girls absorb whatever is left behind when a tentacle vanishes. They already have a collective personality of sorts."

Maya blinked, then resumed glaring.

"Stop distracting me with weird physics and metaphysics! Is there or is there not pedophilic activity going on?"

Shigeru looked away.

"If anything, Lilith is the pedophile."

Maya facepalmed.

"Please tell me you are not having an affair with the giant in central dogma!"

"What? No, but the Ree have fragments of Lillith's soul keeping them alive, if kinda creepy. When they feed on my soul bits, it goes to growing the Lilith fragments. Or that's how they explained it to me."

Makoto cleared his throat.

"Isn't there a danger that they'll start third impact on their own?"

Shigeru shook his head.

"No more than the danger that Rei will."

Maya frowned.

"Don't you find it the least bit of a turn off that they are half human vessels of a millennia-old monster?"

"Not really."

Maya raised an eyebrow. Shigeru sighed.

"It's like this. Satan is a bad guy. No sane person wants to meet him. If you were to ask a guy, however, if he would like to meet the daughter of the devil, he'd think something along the lines of _'she's probably not too bad'_ "

"You're kidding."

"Nope. Hey Hyuga, if Misato had bat wings and a barbed tail, would it be a deal breaker?"

"Of course not. Heh, that'd be kind of hot."

Maya shook her head at the insanity of her coworkers.

"I still think your relationship with Lilith is really creepy."

Shigeru shrugged.

"Welcome to NERV."


	4. Funny People, in both senses of the word

**CHAPTER 4: Getting to know you, love, obsession, and abomination**

_AN: Sorry about the formating of the previous chapters, I coulda sworn I used the line thing._

* * *

Makoto almost regretted suggesting the combat sim have more variable opponents. Longer limbs, different body shapes, flying combat, it was hell to program. The MAGI did help, but even then, they all had to work long hours. As much as he was grateful to Shinji-sama for working more closely with Misato, the paperwork made an already tough schedule into a mind and body breaking eternity. He had gained a new appreciation for the sheer tenacity Misato had had the previous time around.

Misato dropped her pen and rubbed her eyes. She looked over at her kohai, who was nodding off even as he wrote.

"How's a coffee break sound?"

Makoto jolted back to wakefulness.

"Er, what?"

Misato laughed.

"We definitely need a coffee break. Come on."

Makoto still felt weird, working this close to her again. It had taken an international conspiracy powered by mad science and old religion before they had gotten this close. Makoto walked in awkward silence, a few paces behind his senpai.

"So who'd you piss o- hey, walk next to me so we can talk. Better. So who'd you piss off to get death by a thousand paper cuts?"

"The Commander."

"Figures. What're you in for?"

Makoto entered bullet time. He turned to the Makoto on his left shoulder.

'_What should I say? I don't know what else would offend the Commander this much.'_

Left-Makoto shrugged.

'Tell the truth?'

Right-Makoto scoffed.

'**Oh right, she'll believe "I helped Shinji cope."'**

Left-Makoto scowled.

'Keeping secrets is a quick way to end a relationship.'

Right-Makoto looked away.

'**What relationship? They just work in the same geographical area.'**

Makoto cleared his throat.

'_You guys aren't helping. And shouldn't you be an angel and a devil?'_

Right-Makoto crossed his arms.

'**You don't really have an evil side. I'm mildly aggressive and Lefty is just weird.'**

'Hey! I resent that!'

'**It's true, though.'**

Makoto sighed.

'_Never mind.'_

And exited bullet time.

"I told Shinji about, well, pretty much everything."

Misato's eyebrows rose.

"You gave him 'The Talk'?"

"What? No-"

"Damn. That means I still have to give it. Unless…"

She looked at him with a glimmer of hope shining in her eyes. He blinked, then sighed.

'_The things we do for love.'_

"I can explain things, if you'd like. It might be a little less awkward, hearing it from another guy."

Misato fist pumped.

"Dodged a bullet. So what did you tell him that got the Commander so riled up?"

Left-Makoto poked Makoto.

'_Might as well.'_

"What he would fight against, as well as what he'd pilot to do so. Apparently, the Commander had an intricate scheme to make sure Shinji'd pilot that I more or less totaled."

Misato glanced at him inquisitively.

"You knew he would be the replacement pilot?"

Makoto had to think fast.

"Rei was injured, he is the same age, it seemed kind of obvious."

Misato chuckled ruefully.

"And that's why you're operating the supercomputer instead of me."

Makoto shook his head.

"I merely had to deal with less pressure. Even Dr. Akagi didn't make the connection, and she is much more intelligent than I am."

"It's nice of you to say that."

Makoto pouted.

"But it's true! You are just as brilliant in your own field."

Misato went cross-eyed.

"Flattery! I _am_ dumb, nur dur hur."

Then she broke down and laughed. Makoto chuckled, feeling relaxed around her for once. It was going to be a long night, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

Shigeru's first warning was the sound of the door opening. Seconds after, slender fingers snarled in his long hair. Maya spared the clone an irritated glance. Then she realized this was her chance. She grabbed a pale arm and towed the disappointed girl away. Almost immediately another clone warped in to resume braiding Shigeru's hair. The man sighed, resigned to his fate.

Maya brought her captive to a bench in the hall.

"Are you really Lilith?"

The clone rolled her eyes.

"I'd like to see one of my children use their AT field half as well as I do. This isn't even my original body."

"Aoba… does he make you do anything?"

Lilith patted Maya's shoulder.

"It's nice of you to be so concerned, but it's not necessary. I can kill him with a thought."

Maya's mouth opened, but nothing came out. Lilith rested her head on her fist.

"I am told that you like to sleep with women. That makes no sense, I designed my children to breed."

Maya's face reddened.

"I love my senpai, and sleeping with her goes along with that."

Lilith smiled wryly.

"I love my children. I already know how to sleep with a man,"

Four other clones warped into the room and spoke in unison,

"Will you teach us how to sleep with a woman?"

They giggled unsettlingly. Maya shook her head in disbelief.

"You really are the pedophile in the relationship."

The clones waggled their eyebrows.

"An _incestuous _pedophile. Forbidden fruit tastes all the sweeter."

"…You are about as distantly related to Aoba as one can be."

The clone on the bench grinned.

"Be that as it may, the idea gave you such an amusing face. As much as I love my children, it is far too entertaining to play tricks on you all."

"Do you think about anything other than your children?"

Lilith smiled fondly.

"I _am_ a mother, what can I say? Shall we see how Shigeru's braids turned out?"

* * *

Shinji had slipped in almost unnoticed into his new class- everyone was talking about where they were when It had happened. He heard how house after house had been damaged, or how everything had gotten LCL on it, _("The- what do you call it, the orange-ish liquid. I hear it tastes like Tang, about as sticky. Me? Hey, despite the rumors I don't put anything_ weird _in my mouth.") _There were even some students missing. He wanted to apologize, but there were so many… it would take more courage than he had.

When lunch time rolled around, it was a relief to eat in a secluded spot on the school grounds. He was left well enough alone, until a boy in a tracksuit walked over.

"Oi, transferee, you're the pilot, right?"

Shinji's jaw dropped.

"How-"

"Weird timing for a transfer. Anyways, I got a friend you put in the hospital that wants to talk to you. Meet me after class."

The boy stalked off. Shinji sighed. He had worried something like this might happen, but it was easier to apologize to one person than a classroom.

* * *

"You found him! Oh, sorry. My name is Aida Kensuke. I am a big fan!"

Shinji was expecting anger, blame, and rudeness in general. He was not expecting cheerfulness, admiration, and jealousy.

"Um. I'm Ikari Shinji. Sorry about your legs."

Kensuke waved away the apology.

"It's not your fault. You were fighting a giant monster, of course the city is going to get trashed. Speaking of which… could you put in a good word for me the next time they're looking for a pilot?"

"I don't know how they choose pilots, but I'll see what I can do."

Shinji was starting to get a little creeped out at how cheerful Kensuke was. Silence stretched for a few minutes, and the guy _just kept smiling_. Toji grunted. Shinji started, he had forgotten the jock was there.

"Kensuke, you're creepy-faced again."

"Oops! Sorry, military stuff, it's so fascinating, you know? So Shinji, kind of weapons do they give you?"

Yep, Kensuke was as happy as a man could be with two broken legs.

* * *

Shigeru stared at the door to his apartment. It had been a long day, guiding the MAGI to simulating Shamshel approximations for the training program. Lilith had been relatively patient throughout, only popping by about once an hour, or whenever he passed a new food item. For various reasons, he now ate alone when not with his fellow time travelers. He had worked out some rules with Lilith, but it was mostly Lilith allowing him to have a semi-normal public existence. That more or less ended the moment he entered his apartment. The door opened, and he was unsurprised to find a clone in a maid uniform.

"Welcome home, Master. Your evening tea will be ready in a moment."

'_I could get used this.'_

"Ah, thanks."

He was happy he did not know how the Ree had obtained their costumes. He had enough headaches as it was. The tired technician collapsed on his couch and closed his eyes.

A pair of hands slid under his shirt collar.

"I've waited for you."

Shigeru groaned.

"Not tonight. I'm already worn out as is."

Lilith-as-Rei-clone nuzzled against his neck.

"Can't you feel the terrible need? My children's bodies are so incomplete, aching and longing for their opposite."

Her warm breath ghosted across his cheek.

"I, who have slept so long, never knowing any want or need,"

_Snap-pop_- She lay draped along his body, clad in a long white nightgown. Her face was a bare few centimeters from his.

"I have no defense against this _longing_…"

Shigeru flicked her forehead.

"You can wait, you've waited all day. Wake me in half an hour if you must, but I have to rest."

Lilith pouted, but rested her head on his shoulder. Shigeru accepted his tea and drank it in one long draught. Warmed from within and without, he dropped off into sleep, for a time.

* * *

_AN: So yeah. I would like to have used BAMF as teh warp-in/out sound effect, but it doesn't really fit._


	5. Stuff happens, Too many Claws

Self Help Ch. 5 - Shinji talks more and an angel dies. Coincidence? 

* * *

"- considering that she is part angel, it is actually more surprising that she retained the injuries as long as she did. On some level, she may have felt she deserved them."

Gendo frowned.

"So the spontaneous healing…"

"She must have felt like she was forgiven."

The silence stretched in the dark office. Ritsuko held in a sigh.

"If you'll excuse me, I have a sync test to prepare."

Normally, Gendo would dismiss her with a wave, or there would be… indications of other intent. This time, neither signal came. He watched her silently for a moment.

"I understand you are in a relationship with a subordinate."

Dr. Akagi raised her chin marginally.

"That is the case."

"Are you… committed to her?"

She felt a sick fear grow inside. Still, she dare not lie.

"Yes."

Gendo leaned back into his chair, his hands loosely clasped on his lap.

"I would not be offended if our relationship returned to the official patterns."

'_Is he condoning my infidelity? True, it is another woman, but is he willing to let me go?'_

"I… do wish for such a return. Thank you for being so understanding."

Gendo turned his chair to look out over the geofront.

"Complications cause delays, something we cannot afford in these times."

* * *

Shinji sat outside the locker room. He wanted to meet the other pilot. The activation of the prototype meant that he now had a fellow pilot on duty. This had been their first sync test together. He had been too nervous to open a vidlink, so he had decided to wait for her. It didn't take long for her to get dressed, which was surprising, considering the complexity of the dress's fastenings.

"Pleased to meet you, I am Ikari Shinji."

Rei nodded.

"I am Ayanami Rei."

Then she left. Shinji followed.

"How did you come to work for NERV? If you don't mind me asking."

They stepped into the elevator.

"I have relatives in the organization. They needed a pilot, I was a suitable candidate."

"Did they force you to pilot too?"

"I didn't not want to pilot."

It was difficult keeping the conversation going. Shinji didn't have much experience talking to girls; certainly no one like this one.

Rei glanced at Shinji's reflection in the elevator door.

"Have you encountered any of the bridge crew while they were not at their posts?"

"Er… I live with Ms. Katsuragi."

Rei shook her head.

"I was referring to her subordinates."

Still confused, he replied,

"Mr. Hyuga picked me up from the train station when I arrived here. Other than that, no. Why do you ask?"

Rei got off the elevator.

"I think they are trying to help."

She walked briskly towards the exit. Shinji stood bewildered for a few long moments until the doors began to close. He hurried out, but by the time he exited NERV, Rei was nowhere in sight.

* * *

Shigeru opened his bento with a grimace.

"She can bend space and time to her will, but Lilith is still only as good a cook as Misato."

Makoto shrugged tiredly.

"Once you get used to it, Misato's cooking isn't that bad."

"That's only because you lose all your taste buds after the first week."

Maya sighed.

"Shig, don't tease Makoto. More importantly, we should start preparing for Iruel."

Shigeru rubbed his chin.

"It would be really handy if we could take it over instead of destroying it."

Makoto looked around the cafeteria nervously.

"Is this really safe, guys? We sit here every day; it's bound to be bugged."

Maya shrugged.

"We have most of the same goals as the people that would be monitoring us. I like your idea, Shig, but I have no idea how we'd pull it off. We almost didn't survive just trying to kill it."

Makoto blinked.

"We do an awful lot of world-saving planning here. We should name this table something like 'Archimedes' Lever' or 'The Crux of the World'."

Shigeru poked the babbling man.

"You really ought to get some sleep. There's not a lot of world saving you can do talking like a crazy man."

Makoto swayed upright.

"I can too world-save. We do the same shaping paths we did last time, but instead of evolution to extinction, we lace it with identity based locks, until Iruel thinks he is the MAGI."

Maya's jaw dropped. Shigeru grunted.

"We should have deprived you of sleep long ago."

Makoto smiled.

"Back to the important issue: I like 'Crux of the World'; it's more accessible and impressive sounding."

* * *

Sachiel 13.0 was giving the original a run for its money in the collateral damage department. Its spin had been gaining speed since it had started its journey a few miles from the coast. True, it had slowed when its spikes had extended, but that was one of the few concessions it made to torque. Buildings were chewed up and spat out as the angel floated close to the ground. It was not unlike a blender free of its housing in a field of dandelions. Sachiel 12.0 had learned the hard way not to leave its core exposed at high altitudes.

Shinji frowned.

"We need to stop the spin. Otherwise, we'll never get close enough to the core."

Rei remained silent. Shinji tried to snap his fingers, but that was nearly impossible in the LCL.

"Ayanami! Distract it with bullets. I jump on and stab it. With any luck, I'll be able to tilt it so you can shoot the core."

"Roger."

Shigeru put on his serious face, and covered his microphone.

"Maya, I fear we may have a tactical genius on our hands. If I forget this, it is up to you to stop him from taking over the world. I can't shake the feeling that _I am about to be distracted by bullets."_

Maya rolled her eyes.

"Like you would do any better in his situation, Mr. 'Sings Along With His Air Guitar'."

Shigeru glared resolutely away.

"That was _one_ time."

Maya smirked.

"That's not what Lilith tells me."

Makoto coughed.

"Um, guys? The simulation is over. The plan worked, more or less."

Shigeru looked at his screen.

"Well, I'll be damned. Those bullets must have been really distracting."

* * *

Shinji walked by the bridge, glimpsing-

Was that Rei putting feathers in Mr. Aoba's hair? He looked back.

Yes (in a school uniform?), and she was _giggling._ It was a little unsettling. He resolved to talk to her about it the next time he saw her. He made his way to the cafeteria to see-

Rei? Again? The salad she was eating was completely unsurprising.

'_Time to fulfill that resolve. That was quick.'_

"So, do you have a twin sister, or are you really fast?"

Rei blinked.

"I do not understand the question."

"I saw someone who looks like you with the bridge crew. _She was decorating Mr. Aoba's hair._"

Rei stood up.

"This bears investigation."

On the way back, Shinji was beginning to regret not eating a lunch before pursuing the mystery. It was just his luck that his stomach gurgled as he crossed the threshold to the bridge. Rei stared at her genetic twin.

"Explain your presence here."

Shigeru turned, having just noticed the pilots.

"Oh, hi. Okay, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this."

Shinji gazed skeptically at the clone as it hid its face in the feather-strewn hair.

"Really."

"Stop tha- yes, really. The mad scientists that made the giant cyborgs you pilot also cloned the first pilot."

"Ms. Ayanami doesn't act like that."

The clone merrily nibbled on Shigeru's ear. The beleaguered man sighed.

"They were raised differently."

Maya joined the conversation.

"It may be hard to believe, but a lot of what NERV does relies on mad science. For instance, these supercomputers have cloned brains as their processor cores."

Shinji looked a little sick.

"What happened to the bodies?"

Maya shrugged.

"They could be the meat in the cafeteria lunches for all I know."

Makoto shuddered.

"All of a sudden, Ayanami's vegetarianism makes sense."

All along, Rei's gaze never left the kittenish mannerisms of the clone.

"Why is she fixated on Lt. Aoba?"

Lillith rested her chin on top of Shigeru's head.

"He's my lover."

Rei blinked. Shinji stepped in front of Rei.

"Isn't it dangerous to employ a pedophile around adolescents?"

Shigeru sighed. Makoto handed Maya 2000 yen. Lilith cocked her head to the side.

"What are you talking about? I am not employed by NERV."

Shinji had reached his weirdness quotient.

"What."

Boring explanations ensued.

* * *

Shamshel slithered across the sea, following the trail left by its brother/competitor/past life. The transition to land had been and is still accompanied by little flying bits of metal that do/did nothing. Shamshel remembered encountering an annoyingly/distressingly persistent sister/enemy/abomination, but there wasn't anything nearb- oh wait.

An identity/field impact, two!

Shinji/Yuinit 01

**Rei/REAAGH!**

'_Don't panic, I prepared for this-'_

Shamshel reared up, twin whips hissing through the atmosphere. Then-

PAIN! PROTECT SOUL/THRONE!

Shamshel's lashes slashed through the pain!sources. It _wasn't_ ready for this- kill/dethrone one, one left?

Shamshel swung about, focusing its attacks on the weaker/quieter of the two. Slash! Slash! Wrap-fling, -Pain!

The Stronger/louder one was on its back, clawing towards a whip- slash?-pain, hit self, spin, why is it holding my- AUGH, PA-_bleeding?_-IN-_torn_?-APPENDAGE.

Wrap-fling, ow. I can grow more body/pedestal, but it takes time and-

_SHAMSHEL_

**Rei/REAAAGH!**

Ha! Not this time!

_Sha/mshel_

More claws? Reall-PAIN, wrap clawed appendage, hope that pains! It's no use struggling, I am the superior-PAIN! Too many sister/enemy/abominations!

OH FATHER, NOT THE SOUL/THRONE!

* * *

_AN: I don't think I like fight scenes, but whatever. Oh, and Kensuke is in the hospital wishing he could guilt a nurse into letting him see the battle. No such luck._


	6. There's a look in your eyes

Self Help Ch. 6 – There's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.

* * *

Lilith had grown (temporarily) tired of messing with Shigeru's hair. She suspected she would have to devise some way to dye it while he was asleep. Right now, that was too much work. So she fell to her second favorite activity: bugging everyone else.

"I'm _bored_"

Makoto knew this day would come. Shigeru's glorious hair could distract someone for only so long. He flicked a business card at Lilith.

"My address is on the card. Inside, you will find my library of manga and light novels. Don't touch anything else."

Lilith beamed at him.

"You are such a good boy."

She kissed Shigeru's cheek.

"See you later, honey."

_Pop._

Shigeru stared at Makoto in horror.

"You've doomed us all."

* * *

Makoto's library bought the bridge bunnies a few days reprieve from Lilith's presence. In that time, Makoto would hear a small _pop_ every so often, as she moved on to the next volume. At last, the day came when the last book returned to its shelf. The bridge crew were once again at their stations when Lilith made her next announcement.

"I want to go to school."

Shigeru turned, not looking forward to the rest of the conversation.

"Why is that?"

Lilith hugged herself in bliss.

"I want to see it all! Confessions, delinquents, class reps, and, of course, all the wacky things that happen to Shinji, He is the main character after all."

Makoto fist-pumped.

"So I'm not the only one who thinks that! I thought it was obvious, but _these_ guys were all like _'Don't confuse fiction with reality' _In. Your. Faces."

Lilith gave him a blank look.

"Now I forgot what I was talking about."

Makoto sighed.

"Going to school."

Lilith grinned.

"That's right! So! Let's cook up some paperwork!"

Shigeru grumbled,

"Troublesome."

Lilith's head whipped around.

"Why didn't I see it before?"

A hair tie _popped_ into her palm. She gathered up Shigeru's hair and tied it on top of his head. It made him look a bit like a pineapple.

Maya blinked.

"This explains _everything._"

Makoto shook his head in wonder.

"How could we have been so blind? We had an anime-kin among us all this time."

Shigeru scowled at him.

"This is all. Your. Fault."

* * *

Rei enjoyed her Sunday wanderings with the Commander. His imposing presence discouraged most if not all prospective conversationalists. Thus the pair enjoyed their customary silence even in the most informal of settings.

This particular Sunday found them in an antiques store. Dust covered the wares as a sort of sign of authenticity. Gendo browsed the bookshelves of faded tomes as Rei was drawn to a low hissing sound. In a corner, hourglasses of all sizes marked the passage of time. The largest one had bulbs as large as her head, surrounded by eight wooden bars. The smallest was about the size of a chap stick, and took significantly less than a minute to run down. The last grains of sand fell in another glass. Rei stared at the motionless pile in the bottom bulb. It had done its duty, and now it rested. She hesitated, then flipped the hourglass. Now the sand was moving again, and she felt some sympathy for it. But this was its duty as well.

They had to summon a Section 2 vehicle to transport what turned out to be twenty-one hourglasses. Rei closed her eyes in contentment, listening to the steady hiss of the largest timepiece.

* * *

"I am Ayanami Lilith from CENTRAL DOGMA junior high school. If any of you guys are creatures from outer space, or from the future, or from another world, or have supernatural powers, step forward. That is all."

The murmuring of the students started up almost immediately.

"-twin sister? I'm thinking she's the evil twin."

"-pretty cute. An otaku too. Sounds like your type, eh Kensuke?"

"No, she is not made out of guns."

Shinji could feel his school life getting more complicated by the second.

* * *

:Shinji, you should ask Rei out.

SI: Last time I responded to an anonymous chat, I was outed, so you'll have to forgive me if I ignore you.

:You're gay? Hmm. I don't know anyone else well enough to ship you accurately, but what about that kid in the tracksuit? He's kinda buff looking.

SI: Are you trolling me?

SI: Wait…

SI: Is that you, Lilith?

:School is so boring! Where are the confessions, the delinquents, the crazy stuff that happens to you?

SI: All that stuff is kinda rare. Toji is about as close as we get to having a delinquent, and he's just ornery.

:Hey, what's trolling?

SI: Trying to get someone's goat. Getting a rise out of someone. That sort of thing.

:You have a goat? Is a "rise" an internal organ?

SI: …Kinda fresh out of the cloning vat, aren't we? You should ask Kensuke, he can probably explain it better than I can.

:Welp. Fine, I will then.

:Shinji says you are to teach me about "trolling".

KA: Ah, an elegant topic from a more civilized time. Actually, I'm surprised Shinji knows about it; it's kind of obscure. The story can be found here: Homstuck . arch

KA: Keep in mind, it doesn't get to it immediately, but you need the beginning to make sense of the rest. Good luck, you have entered have entered the first gate.

:It's a story? Okay… first gate? Whatever.

Then Lilith didn't pay attention to the teachers for the rest of the day.

* * *

"- a line of coolant attached to the magnetic cage should be enough. Although, it might be better to wait for Unit 02, just in case. As for the rest, the report on the angels should be done soon."

Gendo held back a sigh.

"Why didn't you report any of this to me before?"

Makoto coughed.

"We didn't feel… secure enough in our positions to reveal that we knew about such things as the Lance of Longinus."

Gendo raised his eyebrows.

"Very well. Dismissed."

Not long after, technicians prepared a positron cannon for transport to Tokyo-3.

* * *

Lilith lay on the couch, resting her head on Shigeru's lap. Her time at school had produced a change in her; she was more contemplative, and a little more restrained. But no less affected by what she read.

"It feels like something is missing."

Shigeru stroked her hair.

"And what would that be?"

She frowned.

"It's hard to explain. I love you, am friends with Maya, and casually dislike Shinji for being so boring. There needs to be someone I hate, someone who fills me with terrible loathing."

Shigeru rolled his eyes.

"You should be glad you haven't met anyone like that."

Lilith sighed, but fell silent.

* * *

Ramiel hung just below the clouds. After its brothers/competitors/past lives had fallen to grappling, it wanted nothing to do with that form of combat. Thus its current pedestal: a perfect sphere, with three layers of independent Light-Bringer arrays covering its precious soul/throne.

Ramiel was unnerved at the sight of a sister/enemy/abomination floating over the water. Worse still, it didn't feel like anything was there. After a moment's hesitation, Ramiel fired its innermost array, the quickest to recharge. To Ramiel's relief, the manifestation was shredded by the Light.

* * *

Hours after launching the various decoys and testing the limits of the angel, they were ready. The flights of missiles and unmanned aircraft arrived in carefully chosen intervals, depleting each layer of its charge.

Shinji's heart raced. The time for his part of the assault drew near. Unit 00 fired a burst of bullets, attracting the angel's attention. The outer layers of Ramiel dilated a hole for the innermost firing array. Ramiel fired. Shinji could only hope Rei's heat shield held up. It was agonizing, waiting for the attack to end. At last, the Light died, only to be replaced by Shinji's beam. The positrons raced down the closing aperture. The small sphere shone with blinding intensity before it catastrophically failed. Ramiel shattered, the explosion scattering shards for miles around. It was then that Shinji realized that the bridge crew were talking.

"-pilot unresponsive. Vital signs are down. _Oh God, Rei is dead._"

Shinji turned to see Unit 00's head was completely missing.

* * *

Makoto felt so helpless. There was nothing he could do to save Rei. Although, maybe there was something He could do…

Makoto dropped to his knees and began to pray.

"Oh, Shinji-sama, please preserve Rei from death, lest this all be for naught. Amen."

His coworkers gave him strange looks as he returned to his seat. Maya was the first to comment.

"You pray to Shinji?"

Makoto nodded.

"One of the people that made this reality? Of course. It's how I traded my boon for a promotion, and how I know Rei is going to be alright."

Misato hoped it was just the grief talking.

"You're not making any sense, Hyuga. Shinji didn't create this world, he's just a normal kid."

Shigeru coughed.

"About that. It was going to come out anyways, so here it is: We've been there, done that whole 'Defend Tokyo-3 from the Angels' thing. Through cosmic neuroticism, we have been sent-"

He _popped_ out of existence.

Makoto shook his head.

"He shouldn't have tried to divide by zero."

* * *

For a moment, Shigeru thought he had gone blind. Then he noticed he didn't hear anythi-

_Pop._

Rei floated before him.

"Your plan is ruined. I am now closer to being immortal than ever before."

Shigeru frowned in thought.

"…Maybe not. The objective was to get you to be sane. That is still possible."

Rei's face abruptly shifted to an expression of sheepishness.

"Um. Hi, Lilith here. We sort of share a hive-mind."

Shigeru facepalmed.

* * *

Misato and Ritsuko were trying to deal with the nature of their subordinates' boons. Ritsuko felt vaguely vindicated.

"I _knew_ they weren't real."

Maya giggled.

"I enjoyed testing that hypothesis."

Meanwhile, Misato had focused on something else.

"God gave you a promotion?"

"No, the Commander did. Although, he might not mind being referred to as such. What Shinji-sama did was arrange circumstances so that I could display abilities better suited to a higher position."

Maya blinked as her memory caught up with her.

"Hey, you said 'traded'. So you no longer have a ten-inch…"

Makoto blushed a deep red.

"No, and please don't talk about it. It was a stupid idea."

Misato raised her eyebrows.

"And Aoba asked for tentacles. What were you guys up to before Shinji found you?"

* * *

Shinji stared at Rei's dead body. It looked like he had been crying recently. Rei could feel warm stirrings within her.

'That would be compassion.'

'_Ah.'_

"Pilot Ikari, I am not dead."

Shinji whirled.

"A-Ayanami? But you were- How?"

"I am not sure of the details, but it was definitely _Mad Science._"

Shinji looked no less bewildered.

"Why are you wiggling you hands?"

Rei looked at her hands, which were still moving.

'_Jazz hands?'_

'Jazz hands.'

"I think it's a side effect of the _Mad Science._"

Shinji nodded slowly.

"That makes as much sense as anything around here."

* * *

"-y nature, communication between hive-mind queens doesn't allow any room for privacy. Fortunately, there isn't much that Lilith wanted to keep from me, but I understand that others would be uncomfortable with me accessing certain memories."

Shigeru had the decency to blush at the implication.

"Have you…"

"Yes."

Shigeru cleared his throat.

I… see. Is that why you have brought me here?"

"In part. It may interest you to know that Lilith doesn't know everything about AT-fields, or even her own origins. She does know she is a… manufactured being, like humanity is, only on a larger scale."

Rei's face went through a few changes in expression, settling on arrogant.

"Lilith again. I'm still way better at having my way with reality than any human could ever be."

Shigeru rolled his eyes.

"Of course you are. While you're on the line, are there any secrets you would want to tell about Rei? Out of fairness, you understand."

Lilith frowned.

"She occasionally fantasizes about you brushing her hair. That's pretty much it."

The body's cheeks reddened. Shigeru made a mental note.

"This is a little confusing, switching back and forth without much warning. Can one of you choose a distinguishing signal, like wearing a top hat?"

Lilith smirked.

"Should I carry around giant gardening shears as well?"

"What."

She sighed.

"Nevermind. Maybe Rei can have long hair?"

Her right arm shuddered, then gave a thumbs up.

_Pop_

Shigeru found himself back in his chair. He looked around.

"Hey, where'd everybody to?"

Makoto turned.

"Oh, you're back. Okay, basically, everyone knows about time-travel, the pilots-as-gods, and Rei pulled a Jesus on Shinji."

Maya was still preoccupied.

"But you would win every male dominance contest! That _had_ to have been massively appealing to you."

Makoto gave her a worried look.

"Male dominance contest?"

Maya blushed slightly.

"You know… whip 'em out and measure them."

Shigeru looked at Makoto, then back to Maya.

"That doesn't happen."

Maya was crushed.

"No homoerotic tension? No sexually charged way of establishing dominance? I'm going to have to rewrite sooo many fanfics."

Makoto patted her hand.

"While it doesn't happen among straight guys, we wouldn't know about the gay ones."

Maya smiled.

"Thanks. Say… are there any other things guys do or don't do that women might not know about?"

Makoto shrugged.

"Well, there's the urinal selection algorithm…"

* * *

_AN: So I was thinking, "What is the classiest way to end this chapter?" and then this came to me._

_(not really, it sorta ended here by accident.)_

_Also, you don't really have to read the entirety of Homestuck to get the trolling thing. For those who don't know, trolls are aliens that have four types of romantic-ish relationships: True Love, Best Friends, Frenemies, and "I hate you with every fiber of my being, you hate me with every fiber of your being, let's make out (and stuff)"_

_It sure is weird._


	7. Eat Your Heart Out

Self Help Ch. 7 – Eat Your Heart Out

_AN: This next scene directly follows the end of ch. 6. The one after does not._

* * *

Lilith floated in the sea of Dirac, looking at Rei curiously.

"You know, he probably thought you wanted to make love to him."

Rei blinked.

"Why would he think that?"

"Part of the reason you brought him to a private dimension is because you have my memories of having sex with him."

"So?"

Lilith sighed.

"Never mind."

* * *

**Much later…**

Makoto glared moodily at the wine bottles in the middle of the table.

"They're just far enough away that we'd look ridiculous stretching to reach them."

Maya sighed.

"And I could use a drink to get through this too. All this Jet Alone hype is all the more irritating, knowing how badly they fail."

Meanwhile, the chairman's speech had drawn to a close.

"-will be observing the official demonstration from the control room. Are there any questions?"

Maya sighed once again and stood.

"There are."

"Ah, but where is the famous Dr. Akagi Ritsuko? We had hoped to see her here."

"The work of NERV is more important that witnessing folly. My question is this: Can Jet Alone defeat an angel as is?"

"Are you referring to the AT field? That is only a matter of time, but in all other ways, yes! Jet Alone is fully capable, as you will see in the demonstration."

"But time is exactly what we don't have. The second angel attacked less than a month after the first. Moreover, if it has weaponry superior to NERV's, then why are you gambling that that level of firepower won't be necessary against the next angel?"

"We cannot afford to put such dangerous weaponry in the hands of children!"

"Better children who have fought successfully and have been trained specifically to fight than scientists who leap before they look!"

"Enough! You will see the results of human hard work and dedication! Then you may judge for yourselves whether we have shown initiative of haste!"

* * *

Shigeru gazed moodily out the helicopter window. He wished he was still in Tokyo-3, even if he had to do the work of three people. Unfortunately, having come from the "future", the bridge bunnies are the best field agents for certain dangerous missions, like the Jet Alone "malfunction" or Gaghiel's attack. It was somewhat amusing that the two missions would happen on the same day, as if even the angels are saying the EVA are the better robot.

Lilith leaned against him and whispered,

"Hey aren't we going to meet the new pilot girl? What's she like?"

Aoba shrugged.

"Louise the Zero, only with less -dere."

Lilith looked at him skeptically.

"Is that even possible?"

"Real tsunderes aren't like fictional tsunderes."

Lilith frowned.

"Reality is crappy."

* * *

Maya lounged outside the ruined ballroom with Makoto.

"I'd make fun of them more if we didn't have similar teething problems."

Makoto shrugged.

"They ventured into shonen territory. They should have expected some uncontrollability in their giant robot."

Maya rolled her eyes.

"This is not a shonen manga. Their giant robot was sabotaged and there aren't any distinctive rival characters in their group.

"But they thought of themselves as the main characters. From that perspective, we are the rival characters. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty distinct."

Maya looked him over, then herself.

"You really _should_ get more sleep. It's starting to affect your judgement."

"I am getting more sleep!"

They stood in silence for a few moments. Maya checked her watch.

"Jet Alone has probably stopped by now."

They approached the devastated chairman. Maya cleared her throat.

"It seems your robot became uncontrollable."

"Like a hysterical woman." Makoto added, feeling clever. Maya shot him a quick glare, which he ignored. Maya continued.

"I'll get right to the point. NERV is prepared to buy the prototype."

The chairman focused on her, suddenly suspicious.

"You knew this would happen. This wasn't an accident!"

Maya shrugged.

"Who can say? Even if that were the case, who would want to trust a weapon system so easily corrupted? Take this check and save what you can of your company."

She handed him the check. When he read the amount, he grew angrier.

"This is piracy!"

Maya raised an eyebrow.

"It's more than you would get for it otherwise."

"Drink up me hearties yo ho!"

Maya looked at Makoto. He was grinning unashamedly. She turned back to the chairman.

"Do we have an accord?"

He sighed in disgust.

"The prototype is yours."

The bridge bunnies left.

Maya punched Makoto.

* * *

"This is the Third Child? How disappointing."

Lilith nodded in agreement.

"He is kind of a boring main character, even for a harem manga."

Asuka lifted her chin imperiously.

"Excuse me? He is _not _the main character. I have a tragic past, haunting good looks, and an unrequited love interest. Clearly, my story is the more interesting one."

Shinji wore an increasingly worried expression.

"Um, this is real life. Aren't we all main chracters?"

Asuka patted his shoulder condescendingly.

"Keep telling yourself that. Maybe there will be an episode devoted to exploring your character."

Meanwhile, Lilith moved over and latched onto Shigeru's arm.

"So who is your love intere-"

Asuka's head whipped towards an opening door. The emerging crewman was unnerved by her piercing stare.

"Darn. That should have been his cue. Anyways, his name is Kaji, he is a dreamboat and he is mine, so don't even think about it."

Shigeru cleared his throat.

"I've paperwork for the Admiral, so why don't you guys get acquainted with the canteen and each other?"

* * *

"Yo- oh. Nice to meet you, I'm Ryoji Kaji."

The bridge bunny shook his hand.

"Aoba Shigeru. Shall we join the kids in the canteen?"

"Sounds good."

They boarded the elevator. Kaji coughed.

"I thought they'd send Captain Katsuragi, all things considered."

Shigeru shrugged.

"Office politics. I annoy someone, they send me out into the middle of nowhere to watch over a girl and her giant cyborg."

Kaji smirked.

"My sympathies."

The elevator doors opened. Asuka and Lilith were waiting with determined expressions. Shinji shrugged helplessly. Lilith lifted Shigeru's shirt up.

"Washboard abs."

Asuka lifted Kaji's shirt, ignoring his mild protests.

"Washboard abs!"

Lilith licked Aoba's stomach. She grinned at Asuka. The redhead looked hopefully up at Kaji, who said, "No."

Asuka crossed her arms in frustration.

"Okay, your guy _might_ be better than Kaji. Maybe."

Kaji looked at Shigeru questioningly. Shigeru waved his hands vaguely, trying to communicate a cosmic truth with limited articulation.

"Yeah."

From then on, Kaji kept a suspicious eye on the man.

* * *

Asuka pressed the wrist button, tightening her plugsuit. It was time for her to calm the sleeping giant. Part of her (i.e. most of her) still felt a swell of pride every time she laid eyes on the EVA. Even as it is, face down in a barge full of water, it was an awesome sight. Over the course of the voyage, Asuka had grown adept at running along its twitching limbs, and scaling her way up to the entry plug. She slipped into the seat, already reaching out for-

_home_

-that special connection that let her know this is _her_ robot. Technically, she only had to spend ten minutes in the plug, but Asuka always felt the most relaxed, most safe there.

Except- gravity was shifting? At first she thought it was the sync going bad, but then she heard metal shrieking. By the time Unit 02 hit the ocean, Asuka was seeing through of its eyes. The decks of most of the fleet protruded below the waves. In the distance, there was a large, pale mass. Asuka grinned.

"Showtime."

* * *

Shigeru frowned as he stood on what was the ceiling of his quarters.

"Lilith, the bridge please."

_Pop._

The admiral had taken off his sunglasses. He turned when Shigeru warped in.

"How did you-"

"No time. This is an angel attack. Everybody hold on to something!"

The ship turned once more, back to it's original orientation. Shigeru seized the microphone.

"Asuka, you ready?"

The speaker crackled.

"Is Kaji smooth? Drop the umbilical cord and let's get this show on the road."

* * *

Asuka exulted in the power she wielded, powering through the water, progressive fins leaving a trail of split molecules manifesting as bubbles. The sixth angel was an ungainly mix of octopus and jellyfish. Its rate of decent was all the more impressive for the amount of drag it must experience. As the distance closed, Asuka noticed she was drifting to the side. It was then that she noticed the immense whirlpool forming over the descending angel. She grinned as an idea came to her. A _dangerous_ idea.

* * *

Shinji had been talking with Rei in Lilith's quarters when the wave hit. He had only a handful of seconds to orient himself before Lilith rolled the ship back upright. Thus he found himself laying face down on the floor, a heavy weight on his back.

"Ayanami, are you alright?"

The weight on his back shifted slightly.

"I am quite comfortable. You make a suitable sitting pillow."

Shinji closed his eyes, noticing for the first time how warm and soft the weight was.

"Good to know. If it's not too much trouble could you get off of me?"

"Very well."

* * *

Asuka hadn't planned on the dizziness as she swirled down the whirlpool. Nevertheless, her idea worked: She carved her way down into the center of the angel's broad top. Unit 02 scooped out chunks of rubbery angel flesh with its fins. Then her comlink opened.

"Asuka, that is seriously stupid."

She grinned.

"Hardly! I'm one EVA length deep into the enemy, and digging deeper by the second."

Shigeru sighed.

"What about your umbilical cord?"

"It's fi-" One of Gaghiel's tentacles ripped the cord apart. More seized the end still connected to the red giant.

"Crap."

Asuka activated the release just in time, the cord whipping out of the hole she dug. The battery began it's crimson countdown. Asuka dug furiously, fear creeping in around the edges of her bravado. She felt something give under her sharp fins: She was through. The core glittered balefully at the end of a long stalk, guarded by hundreds of flailing limbs that hung from the mass she had just dug through. She checked the countdown: 38 seconds. Just enough timeto be clever.

"The funny thing about castrating an angel-"  
She slashed through the stalk. Almost immediately, the wound sent stringy tendrils towards the paralyzed tentacle hub.

"-is that it's life really is in its balls."

Unit 02 shot down to the core, gripping the rope-like tissue surrounding the spherical crystal. Asuka hacked at the core, again and again and – the tentacles shuddered back to life – and again – 15 seconds – and again – those things sure are getting close – and agai- the crystal went dark.

Asuka laughed in relief and triumph.

"Angels, meet your new destroyer: Asuka Langely Soryu!"

* * *

_AN: Bluh, angel fights are hard. Sorry about the wait, but I had hit a block about how to start the fight, and then I got deeeeeeeeep into homestuck. That stuff's addictive. So yeah, the next chapter should come out a little quicker._


End file.
